Five Things you Should Never Say to the Father of Your Children

Note from Jenn: Today’s guest post is from my husband, who I let out of the basement long enough to write this post. Enjoy!

Dear Wife,

You are an amazing mom. I am in awe of your patience and love every day. I also very much enjoyed your note “Five Things You Should Never Say to the Mother of Your Children.”  In the spirit of gender equality, I’d like to offer a few suggestions of my own: five things you should never say to the father of your children.

1.  “The trash needs to go out and the cat’s litter box needs scooping.”  I accept your statement of fact.  Oh, did you want me to do something about that?  I appreciate that you are trying to cleverly disguise your nagging so neither of us feels like I’m lazy and you are a nag but if you want something, ask.  If you are trying to make conversation, I hope two people who love each other and have so little time to talk to each other can find something else besides trash and cat poop to talk about.  Also, how old is the cat?  And…how long does the average cat live?  Just curious.

2.  “I know you think I just sit around all day drinking my mocha and watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”  No.  No I do not. Ever. If I ever actually say that to you, they’ll find what’s left of me in a dumpster down at Hunter’s Point.

3.  “Drop your pants and get to work.”  I get it – we rarely have a minute to ourselves.  And I’m a hunk of man meat that you just can’t keep your hands off. We have to seize the moment!  But, when I get home from work, I’m tired.  I’ve had whiny customers calling and interrupting me and all these executives with unrealistic expectations up in my business all day.  Sometimes I just want to be held.


4.  “Is that what you do at work all day?”  This statement usually comes after some TV show includes a scene where a bunch of nerds at work are playing ping pong.  It’s important not to compare or keep score because our jobs are very different. Our workplaces are very different.  Besides, I play foosball all day at work, not ping pong.  Ping pong is for dorks.

5.  “Let’s have another.”  Another what? Baby?? No. No. Those three words should be reserved only for ordering drinks.  I love our two boys. Fatherhood and our life with kids is more fulfilling than I ever imagined. I love our life. Just. How. It. Is. Let’s leave well enough alone.

I love you and I know you love me but obviously there are going to be things we do that drive each other crazy.  If the list is only five long and we can tell each other how freakin’ annoyed they make us, I think we’re winning.  Now I must go, I could really use another…drink.

photo credit: Shelly S. via Creative Commons and Flickr.

11 thoughts on “Five Things you Should Never Say to the Father of Your Children

  1. Pingback: Five Things You Should Never Say to the Mother of Your Children | Rambling Rowes

  2. Haha, he actually doesn’t have much to complain at all.
    My family has three daughters, and now after reading your post and your husband’s 5) I just realized how hard it must’ve been for my parents to raise 3 children.
    But I guess it’s only exhausting now because when your children grow up, it will be all different, like my family now. I’m the youngest and I’m 19, now my parents can do their things and it will soon be my turn to take care of them! So hold on to that!
    Thanks for the good writing! I hope your family will have a relaxing holiday soon!

  3. Yay for the response, my husband enjoyed this nearly as much as I enjoyed Jenn’s original post. Nearly. I’m still giggling at that one. I especially like no.5, although in our house, it’s the one thing my husband and I ALWAYS agree on. No. More. Kids! But yes, always a good idea to have another drink….! 🙂

    • Mmmm…drinks. Those happen much more frequently now that I’m not pregnant or breastfeeding. Don’t think I can go back to my perfectly sober days.

  4. Im so glad your husband got to write this, ive enjoyed your five lists of what not to say and love seeing this from both sides. Hunk of man meat got me giggling! Ill have to remember that one. Thanks hubs! Congrats on the pass out of the basement!

  5. I think it’s great y’all can say these things to eachother and even better that you can do it in a public forum so others can participate and be encouraged to have the same conversations with their spouses 🙂

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