Five Things you Should Never Say to the Father of Your Children

Note from Jenn: Today’s guest post is from my husband, who I let out of the basement long enough to write this post. Enjoy!

Dear Wife,

You are an amazing mom. I am in awe of your patience and love every day. I also very much enjoyed your note “Five Things You Should Never Say to the Mother of Your Children.”  In the spirit of gender equality, I’d like to offer a few suggestions of my own: five things you should never say to the father of your children.

1.  “The trash needs to go out and the cat’s litter box needs scooping.”  I accept your statement of fact.  Oh, did you want me to do something about that?  I appreciate that you are trying to cleverly disguise your nagging so neither of us feels like I’m lazy and you are a nag but if you want something, ask.  If you are trying to make conversation, I hope two people who love each other and have so little time to talk to each other can find something else besides trash and cat poop to talk about.  Also, how old is the cat?  And…how long does the average cat live?  Just curious.

2.  “I know you think I just sit around all day drinking my mocha and watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”  No.  No I do not. Ever. If I ever actually say that to you, they’ll find what’s left of me in a dumpster down at Hunter’s Point.

3.  “Drop your pants and get to work.”  I get it – we rarely have a minute to ourselves.  And I’m a hunk of man meat that you just can’t keep your hands off. We have to seize the moment!  But, when I get home from work, I’m tired.  I’ve had whiny customers calling and interrupting me and all these executives with unrealistic expectations up in my business all day.  Sometimes I just want to be held.

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4.  “Is that what you do at work all day?”  This statement usually comes after some TV show includes a scene where a bunch of nerds at work are playing ping pong.  It’s important not to compare or keep score because our jobs are very different. Our workplaces are very different.  Besides, I play foosball all day at work, not ping pong.  Ping pong is for dorks.

5.  “Let’s have another.”  Another what? Baby?? No. No. Those three words should be reserved only for ordering drinks.  I love our two boys. Fatherhood and our life with kids is more fulfilling than I ever imagined. I love our life. Just. How. It. Is. Let’s leave well enough alone.

I love you and I know you love me but obviously there are going to be things we do that drive each other crazy.  If the list is only five long and we can tell each other how freakin’ annoyed they make us, I think we’re winning.  Now I must go, I could really use another…drink.

photo credit: Shelly S. via Creative Commons and Flickr.
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