I am 21 days into the Orange Rhino’s 30-day yelling challenge. Essentially, it’s 30 days of learning how to yell less at my kids. The good news is that my angriest moments have gone from exorcist-like temper tantrums to a more civilized yet firm (usually through gritted teeth) frustrated whisper. I had one totally ballistic, lose-my-shit moment yesterday that left me feeling horrible, small and stupid but compared to a month ago, I think I’m doing pretty ah-MAY-zing.
More importantly, I see and feel a difference with my kids. There is less tension and anxiety. I discovered some good tools to diffuse our most-likely-to-cause-yelling transitions (getting out the door is much easier…bedtime still has some work to be done). I’ve spent time talking to them about how I am managing my anger and I see them practicing it, too. My five-year-old now regularly asks to “just be left alone for a minute while I calm down,” and it always makes my heart soften and get all mushy. Not only do I know that what I’m doing, showing and teaching is making a difference in our relationship, but he’s also reaping benefits by learning how to recognize when his emotions are getting too big for him.
A friend often tells me that I shouldn’t be so concerned – most parents yell at their kids. Maybe you’re thinking, “Yea, well, yelling is just part of parenting. Most people do it and those who don’t, well, they’re just holding it in and that’s not healthy either.” I could point to lots of articles that talk about the damage yelling does to the kid/parent bond but they’ll just make you feel bad and guilty and will likely fuel the cycle of anger that leads to yelling outbursts.
Instead, I’ll ask, “How do you feel after you yell?” I doubt you feel good. I bet you feel guilty. I bet if you really look at your kids in the moments immediately after you yell, the looks on their faces are not associated with the feelings for which you want to be responsible. I know, you’re probably squirming a little and considering not reading anymore. It’s easy to rationalize away why we can excuse yelling, but bottom line is that everyone feels bad -mom, dad and kids – when we yell so why not try to do it less?
The Orange Rhino has been a wonderful way to kick-start changing my bad habit (I don’t know her and am not promoting her for any personal gain). Great tools, great community and the 30-day challenge gives it some structure. But, it takes more than 30 days to change a bad habit and I found I was craving more information to better understand why I yell and find more tools to help stop. There’s a lot out there. A lot. Which tells me that, yep, lots of parents yell and lots of people want to stop. Most importantly, that it’s really hard to stop. I found lots of articles with great info but three articles stood out as helpful, informative and digestible:
“Q & A,” from Symbio’s newsletter (a lovely, realistic, forgiving look at the problem)
“How to Handle Your Anger at Your Child,” by Dr. Linda Markam (a more psycho-analytic take)
“Yelling Doesn’t Help,” from Parents.com (warning: this article has some parental shaming language in it – yuck! – but it has some good info.)
Here are some things I learned from these articles and the Orange Rhino:
- Figuring out common circumstances that often lead to yelling (triggers!) and coming up with preventive measures and management tactics is key.
- We are all human which means we have a fight/flight response that can be triggered by the small humans we call our children, despite their diminutive size (surprise!). It is in the heat of the moment that our reptilian brain takes over and makes it very difficult for us to manage our outburst response but it is possible with practice.
- This fight/flight response happens to our kids, especially preschoolers, when they throw a tantrum which is why we feel so silly when we find ourselves acting like three-year-olds screaming nonsense over misplaced shoes.
- As adults, it’s important to recognize when this reaction is happening and to be able to appropriately experience, manage and express those emotions.
- Experiencing, managing and expressing emotions are distinctly different processes and each plays a role in these moments of anger.
- I must remind myself constantly that I must learn to manage my response – this is different than repress. I must work to recognize the anger, experience it, appropriately express it and then move on.
I have a long ways to go and lots of work to do, but I feel better-prepared to tackle this bad habit. I don’t beat myself up about it as much because I know I’m human and I’m trying. Tomorrow is another day. I also have seen the difference my no-yelling has made to my kids. It’s worth it. Totally worth it.